Wednesday, August 31, 2005

On A Lighter Note

The poll results are in. And, by a narrow margin, nekkid pictures on the blog are sought by America's finest.

I will be using shots from my private collection, no commercial stuff of course, and I'll begin with a series of myself.


1986-2006.

Should work out nicely.



But first, another shot of my cock:

I love that one. I truly do.

Gone




As many of you know, I've had a lot of oral arguments at the Fifth Circuit in New Orleans since 1990. A helluva lot of cases arose in Texas and Lousiana in the 80s and 90s, and the Fifth Circuit is headquartered in New Orleans.

Or I should say "was." A friend of mine from a Baton Rouge firm just flew over New Orleans and the Southern mouth of the Mississippi, surveying the damage in a private plane, and he doubts the city ever will recover. And he paid lip service to the "resilience, the blah blah blah," but he also knows the city is poor, and he says the devastation hasn't remotely been conveyed by the news reports.

I hope he's wrong. But the Fifth Circuit has extended a blanket extension into late September, will be issuing others, and has all of its work going to Houston at this time. Nothing to New Orleans for months.


And with a 16-18 week estimate before people are allowed back in on a wholesale basis [that's over four months -- 2006, man], I fear for the city.

I never liked it much, but that's only a matter of taste. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.






And you know who you are, enemy. But I digress ....

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

What a pair of knockers!







Ooooops

I hope I didn't offend anyone with my use of the word "jigger" ...

I Wish

I wish the Angriest Dog in the World would just come forward.



Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

A Poll

So -- nekkid pictures on the blog? Yay or nay?












They don't all have to be of me ...

Update! Update!



I have not spent $3589.30 on Cuervo since I stopped drinking.


As always, this calculation is based on actual Virginia ABC prices [sales excluded], and a conservative calculation of intake. Wine and other beverages are not included...


What I found more entertaining -- I have failed to consume 370,670.3 CALORIES since I stopped drinking.

[115 calories/jigger, 22.54 jiggers/liter for calculations].


that's almost as much as a large fries at MickeyD's...

Monday, August 29, 2005

congratulations to alyce

Alyce Watson has been hired as a full-time teacher by the Prince William County Public School system.

She will teach art to high school students, and has been hired to teach at Woodbridge High School, which is the PWCS "magnet" school [featured school?] for fine and performing arts in the county.


According to the school's website:

In September 2001, the Center for Fine and Performing Arts (CFPA) was established at WSHS.

This specialty program incorporates seven disciplines, which include dance, creative writing, art, television production, chorus, band and orchestra. The vision of CFPA is to train young artists for professional careers in the fine and performing arts.











No, spousal support [alimony] will not immediately be reduced.

But that time rapidly approacheth, oh my wee pals -- it rapidly approacheth!

Sharples-Dietz Wedding





Here are Sharples and Alice kissing. At their wedding.


Yes, that's right. Their wedding.

For the latest photos of the blessed event, flick yer little mouse right here, baby!


My heartiest congratulations to the couple, and my deepest, heartfelt wishes that each is incredibly happy for the rest of his and her life.






Write them at JohnSharples.com

Shut Out

After 5 straight weeks of decent-to-really-good action, I was shut out this weekend and reduced to self-abuse. Self-gratification. Wrestling Barney. You know what I mean.







Oh, and the 'Nats have gone 21 straight scoreless innings too....

Creature of the Night


You know, if I could arrange permanently to work from about ...2:00 am until noon, I might become a really productive, industrious lawyer.

My recent weeks of coming in at 2:00 am and cranking out work while the moon is out [and the office is dead and quiet] have been productive.





Yesterday afternoon, office quiet [Sunday], I couldn't get jackshit done. Went to see "the Aristocrats" [Grahame -sorry I didn't get last weekend's message] to see if it would make me more productive. Naaaah -- daylight. But I learned I could like Howie Mandel

The Browning Buck Mark Standard






Like anal intercourse with a corpse -- no recoil.





Of course, I meant anal intercourse with a woman's corpse; I mean, I'm not queer or anything ...

relativity


I find it charming and somehow ... quaint ... that my good friends actually thought Alice Cooper would be the opening act for Cheap Trick.


Grossly *misguided* mind you -- but charming.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

8 x 10 Club

Glory be! The 8x10 Club has reopened.


Of course, it's hard to tell if it's the 8x10 Club, or the Funk Box. But I'm pretty sure it's going by the moniker "8x10."

Idlewild is playing there in September, the night before they hit the Black Cat...




I just wish I still went to clubs to see bands.


Oh yeah -- I will if they have chairs. Or a gurney on which I can nap.


I missed going to the Galaxy Hut with my Loopy friends last night because I had to work. Having been "immigration boy" for two months, I had a hard time becoming "Supreme Court Boy" for tomorrow's submission. Esp. since the whole thing started in 1985, when I still had a band and constant erection...


Wait a sec; I still have a semblance of a band, and I sport the more-than-occasional Woodrow. Maybe I should get psyched.

Oh, yeah; I gotta file an immigration boy brief tomorrow too. AND submit my explanation for why I should be allowed to stay here.

I am a busy boy ...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Tension and Head

You know, the way my eye is twitching from the stress and tension of my current circumstance, I may change my standing desired practice of daily cunnilingus to offer cunniopticus.











THAT was a true Watson sentence ...

Jesus Loves You, Yes He Do. Unless Pat Decides He Don't Really Want To ...

It's pretty exciting to hear that Pat Robertson, a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, Son of God [you know God: tall, strong blond guy, big "G" on the pocket...], has called for us to assassinate the President of Venezuela.




The New York Times quotes Robertson as saying: "We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion dollar war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator."


In other news, Kim Jong Il has discontinued all nuclear development in North Korea. He was quoted as saying: "It was a mistake. We must all learn to live in peace and harmony. You know, 'turn the other cheek.' We have no need to be aggressive."

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

By the way ...

I take it I'm not the ONLY guy out there who'd like to bury his head and everything else in liz phair...





Am I ?

Advisory

For anyone who has noted that my humour, as lame and missnamed as it might be, is missing -- you'd be right.


Bad mojo is at work against me.


Send out all the positive waves that you can. Think of something righteous, and beautiful for a change.


Maybe the mother bridge will be there for me ...

No Junior for me...

Sadly, I will not be seeing THIS GUY






tonight, nor tomorrow, nor Thursday afternoon.

I will be writing, writing, and writing.


All job-related.



Nobody told me it would be like this when I grew up. Of course, I didn't start growing up until April of this year, so ...

Better Times





This was the last time we played the 9:30.

I prefer the old club -- vastly. I enjoyed shows there, the Back Bar was not completely cut off from the band, and I was, of course, younger.

I think the youth part is key...

Monday, August 22, 2005

Yahoo Personals

Here is a picture that Yahoo Personals uses to advertise its services:










I'm pretty sure she's out there waiting for me...

Crowd Scene Music

I urge everyone to visit a piece of The Crowd Scene's website and look for a link to download their fine new tune "Anything's Better Than Nothing."


Bat around in there for a while, but grab the tune and give it a spin. You'll be gald you did.




And while you're at it, if you haven't picked up John Sharples's cd "I Can Explain Everything," you OUGHTA.

Admission

Okay, I'll admit it: the last post was just an opportunity to type "hornier than a three-balled tomcat." An expression I've always held dear, though I've not used it in conversation.


The picture was actually entitled "obligatory shot."

Which it is.


As you'll recall, I was seeking a higher plane while vacationing.

I was seeking to avoid work.

Which I am avoiding now.

But I must stop that!




Reminds me of myself on vacation.


Man, I was hornier than a three-balled tomcat.

Prune Rock





Well, here are 188 years of rock and roller.




Too bad we couldn't have Bill Wyman join them; 257 years of rock seems about right...



photoWashingtonpost

Sunday, August 21, 2005

I'm Back

I've returned to the world, and will try to edify this week.

This week will be...important.











So does anybody think these guys look . . .fruity?

Friday, August 19, 2005

And, On a Lighter Note . . .

"I got bitches comin'!"












and, also in honour of WWMIII: "Footbaw! Who winnin'?"

Disconnected

I am disconnected from the world. From solving my serious problems, from addressing the issues I can address.

I am an idiot.

I should not be here.


But what could I solve anywhere?


What could I solve?

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Beach Update

I'm still in that free house. But I'm not rubbing it in.

I'm sharing it with my old boss. He's a good guy.

I got a hand job today from a pierced, tattooed girl with dyed hair. No money was involved; just my charming personality.

I exchanged for head.

And AOL still sucks, and what was life like before broadband?

And what about the pictures I was supposed to see? Is that Don on the phone?


England can kiss my ass.....




Did I actually type all that? It seems like a dream.

Monday, August 15, 2005

The Stone Age

Well, I'm at a house at the beach.

It's a free house.

Beggars can't be choosers.

But I'll say this -- dial-up SUCKS!!


AOL SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SUCKSUCKSUCKSSUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I could, of course, be writing this on papyrus reeds with coal...

Sunday, August 14, 2005

My Little Gookie

With apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning ...

How does a grown man run out of gasoline while driving? Let me count the ways....



My special thanks to Karen Rogers, who packed her youngest and a gas can into the car and came to bail me out.


On a hot and sunny day.

While Tom luxuriated in an air-conditioned movie theater, enjoying secret fantasies of Johnny Depp.


Let's hope only the "bailing out" bit is true ...

Friday, August 12, 2005

Bill Murray

Bill Murray can truly bring it.

I recommend "Broken Flowers."

Progress

Thanks to ron Quirk [what a great name], by way of E. Whitney Drake, for this:

"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something." -- Robert Heinlein

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Intelligent Design

When I hear "Intelligent Design" discussed, I think of anal rape and think "I just gotta meet the cat who designed that ..."
I enjoy greeting my sister in this way:

"so, Jewess?"




She doesn't like it.
POP QUIZ -- U2 v. REM. Justify.

I Guess

I guess since i went to rehab you bastards are going to call me a quitter...

Re: Yesterday's Discussion

yesterday introduced the topic of whether subtle thoughts deserve to be blogged.

My entry, immediately below, demonstrates that even *English* is not desirable.

I write in my own short-hand language, without a care in the world if it's understandable, much less clear and convincing.


La Dee da, fiddle de dee.


As Big Joe woulda said, "Cripes!"

Lightning




I found myself holding hands with group of men, and one woman, as they recited the Lord's Prayer.

If I'd opened my mouth, either laughter would have ensued, OR lightning would have struck me down.

When you get used to groovy AA meetings with atheists and agnostics, you forget the fervour with which others add the Christian Higher Power.

If they'd known what I was thinking....

Oh yeah; I forgot to mention the helpful guy who I wanted to punch out by the time he'd explained the help he wanted to offer me.

Even if "the Program" is the same and I agree that the solution is the same, does that mean every one of us got there the same way and feel the same way? I think not [oh, yeah -- that's "the disease" talking. A#$@&*&(*^!$^%^!%$!].

If that's the case, I'll get "DoucheNozzle" tattooed on my forehead tonight...

Battalicus Interruptus? I'll Just Keep Going At It, Baby!

It looks like our military refuses to try the Withdrawal Method. I wonder if the Rhythm Method ["Up to 92% Effective!"] is also disdained...


My dad was from the Ozarks. I think he got laid a lot with the With Drawl Method. But I digress...

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

A Serious FuckUp

Well, I paid the parking garage for my day's parking, took the keys and locked her up, and grabbed a cab to the Kennedy Center. Mary Lorson was excellent. Great show.

Allie was there -- she had gotten together with Mary at the airport. At show's end, Allie offered me a ride back to my office [I was carrying some things I was gonna drop off for her].

I left my keys in her car.

I have no way to get in my car.

no way to get home.

no nothing...

This would be worse if I hadn't planned to drive home, get a quick nap, and be back by two a.m.

I found an alarm clock in my paralegal's office -- it'll get me up in time to finish my brief.

But the floor will be painful on a night i wanted a few hours in bed.


Ooooops.


PS Allie's stuff won't get delivered on my way home, because I won't be going home...

Live Broadcast


Go HERE to link to a live broadcast tonight [at 6:00 pm] of Mary Lorson's performance at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts [Millenium Stage].

If you missed the live broadcast, there's a link to an archived broadcast for your viewing pleasure!

Wow, THIS is a Shocker!

I can't believe this headline: Boredom Numbs Work World.



Who in hell woulda thought that?

What A Great Country

I think this is a great country -- we're not only moral, but we encourage morality in our public servants.

While it seems okay to fuck a male prisoner up the ass with a flashlight, or [if he's Muslim] attack him with women or dogs, we're ferreting out and putting a stop to this grotesque consensual unmarried sex after separation.

Thank God. And God Bless America.


Whew; he got the boot!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Southward Bound






Things start to go south for the large-breasted man ...

That's What They Said About Son of Sam

90s Rocker.





Tough guy before things went south ...

More


That was the Blue Ridge. Here is the NYC.

Sue


This weekend, Lisa allowed as to how she didn't know what Sue looked like. And that I often referred to Sue. So here -- a few pics.
I was hoping I'd have a chance to play with my cock today, but it's been a day filled with useless work instead.

I'm trying to do something useful, but this work is sucking the life out of me. I get sleepy as soon as I have to work as a lawyer.

Why don't I get sleepy when I have to work as a musician or photographer? The work can be as painfully boring. And as disconnected from me as this crap.

I don't get it...

My Cock

Monday, August 08, 2005

it comes highly recommended

Sharples hepped me to our Presidential Prayer Team.


Wow. All I can say is "wow."
I find it amazing that Tom Allen attracted the most comments...
It was a trick question: Any Answer Would Win You The Prize!

I Wasn't Aware

I didn't know the Atlanta Rhythm Section was still working.


My attorneys may have me committed soon.


Saline balls, drummers, and Sex Pistols -- it's a wonder I get any work accomplished at all.


Let's play "Spot The Douchenozzle"

:

Phil
is a good drummer. Some music calls for a different style. And I've identified about four different styles of rock drummer.

I need names for them.

I'll borrow wine terms.

Phil is "forward." I can't comment on his "mouthfeel."

Hubbell is "restrained," without being "austere." [He's also behind the beat, where Phil is on it or ahead of it]. Sometimes he's "rustic," and on some days he brings a "barnyard" flavour to his playing.

Sharples is "precocious." Sometimes "insouciant."

Blades is "very fruity."

Okay; I still need names for the styles....

I do better making comparisons.
Watson: "Did you ever hate life?"

Bellotto: "Yours."
The fake testicle


:

was this a good move,

or a

hopeless act of vanity and shameless waste of precious resources?



What an ad campaign: "Just as painfully sensitive as the real thing!"

Okay, here's that pic of Anne.

I didn't get her permission either.

I'd have gone for a "rockin' out" picture, but

[a] I don't have one; and

[b] this is cooler anyway.


Maria is in the picture, but she's hard to see because she's temporarily *inside* Annie ....

Strip Clubs

You know, this is the only gun that I can comfortably field strip, or strip and clean.


After seeing this, I'll never open the damned thing up again...



I just put this in to prove how manly I am.

Next, I'll buy a big truck.

Oooops; sorry, Hubbell...


ps

Arrrrgh

I'm not getting a goddamned thing done today.




Petty

btw, I used to hate Tom Petty. Did you?


Do you?



He's not Billy Joel.



HIM I still hate...

My First Nap

I took my first nap yesterday. Well, first since I stopped drinking.

Now I know why people like them -- they feel good.

I was angry, of course. Jaimie and I were going to go "do something." While watching the Nats lose their third straight [courtesy of MASN and WDCA20], I yawned and allowed as I was sleepy. Allie said "take a nap; Jaimie will wake you up to go when she finishes her shower." I asked "make sure that she does."

Jaimie let me sleep an hour.

I had "napped" on their couch before, but that was actually Cuervo-induced exhaustion; more akin to a subtle passing out. A definite waste of my time and my life.

But I digress.

She failed to rouse me. That little girl let me sleep.

We ended up deferring our plan to go to the shooting range, where I would familiarize Jaimie with the operations of a pistol and a revolver. I intended to teach her to shoot the .22 LR, then move to the 9mm [I want her prepared for college!].

We instead bought veggies and fruit at the Safeway, and she rented some flix.

It was still a fine time!

I've decided I like naps. I could use one right now. But I have to go be a whatever.

My Apologies

I have a lot of work to do this week, especially today. And I lack entertainment value. But please, stick with me.

I'm sure I'll have brilliant insight soon.

It will be provided by others...

This Guy


This Grahame Davies character is very talented. He writes great songs, plays an amazing guitar, and has a voice like a songbird.


By that, I don't mean he sits on my windowsill at 5:30 and fucks with my sleep.

I enjoy listening to him play, I particularly enjoy watching the Crowd Scene, when he and his distaff partner [picture coming] team with a drummer to make band music.


"Anne" is her name. When I have the photo, I'll go hogwild.

I hope he doesn't mind that I stole his image and publicized it...

Sunday, August 07, 2005

A Weekend Off

Friday, August 05, 2005

Eff ME

The fan is out on my auto a/c.

Ever drive around in Friday traffic in DC when it's 95 degrees out?

When I died, I stopped suffering ...

Thursday, August 04, 2005

From My Blue Period...

I Shoulda Married

this one ...

I Confess




I suffered from a mullet...

So Lemme See If I've Got This Right ....



THIS woman is going to be sitting on a stool in a miniskirt at the Birchmere, and

Lisa

is going to sit there watching the show. Not me. lisa. A girl.


Onan and I will probably be giving Liz Phair a workout elsewhere.


Talk about a vegetarian at Peter Luger's ...

Wow

I was sitting down the first-base line with mr. parker. Typical game -- paying a little attention, talking about everything but baseball. Feeling kinda down about the Nats being one-run down on a Dodger home run.

Then -- Wow!

Wilson's shot flew outta there, to nearly the deepest part of the park. A frozen rope.

A lead, just like that.

life can be sweet...

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Whathafugh?

I don't get this at all...

Hmmm


I guess we're reestablishing relations with Vietnam pretty quickly.



Or is this a plot to exact our revenge for losing the Vietnamese War?

Your choice?

The Replacements v. Husker Du ...

1800 +

Over 1,800 U.S. soldiers have died in Iraq since we began the war in 2003.

No matter what you think of the war, try to imagine the fear, the suffering, and the hardships endured by the men and women we have sent there. And try to appreciate their sacrifices and their strength.

I Wish Them Well

While We're At It


I'd say a dollar a pack, with a LOW estimate of my consumption, would be a conservative estimate. Wouldn't You?


$30,816.

As of today. Total saved.

i don't think they sells cigarettes for a dollar a pack anymore ...

The Rolling Count


$2,877.30.

That's today's figure.

As always, calculations are conservative estimates, based strictly on home consumption of Cuervo Gold. No accounting for wine or other beverages is included. Additional beverages may add to dealer totals. Your mileage may vary. City figures may differ from highway.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Edit

I had to erase the link in "Whew" -- too embarrassing.


Let's just say that one of the members figured prominently in my complicated life during the '90s. Volitionally...



jeezus christ

That Time Again

It's time to go home and engage in some first-class onanism...

1936 Was a Good Year


Edification

Borrowed from Cheezygoof

I have borrowed this from cheezygoof's blog:

*******************************************************************************
fake orgasms and the like

here's free publicity for my friend anthony, who so diligently worked on his paper the night before it was due....

“Why would a girl ever want to fake an orgasm?” I asked my sister.
“Because she’s tired and she just wants it over,” she replied.
I guess on the surface that makes sense. The whole experience of having something shoved inside you with the skill of a five year old swinging, eyes shut at a tee ball doesn’t seem to be the kind of thing that would evoke any kind of pleasurable response.

***********************************************************************************



"with all the skill of a five year old swinging, eyes shut, at a tee ball" ...

how delicately and romantically put!



Now I'm wondering if this is one of my former lovers ...

Whew!

Jesus Christ!!!!


Did I dodge a bullet, or what??!?!?




That ancient proverb, along the lines be careful what you wish for, comes to mind ...

This little sonuvabitch is tasty too!



And don't sleep on this little cereal either!

Damned tasty!



Is this what blogs were intended for?

What waste...



This is my favourite cereal in the world.


I fear they may discontinue the "extra fiber" offering, in favour of the "Bran Buds" line.

NO No NO say I!

Merde!

Cereal Killer

I like a couple of the Kashi products a LOT!

But if you're feeling real counter-cultural when you buy it, especially if you're in a Whole Foods or Bread and Circus that won't stock those "evil" big boys, remember that you're buying your Kashi cereal from Kellogg's.

You know, the enema dude and his company....

Thanks

What happens in rehab is confidential, so no details can be offered.

But thanks to my rehab mates -- even the ones that I hate!

Monday, August 01, 2005

I guess


I guess I was a precocious little bastard ....

Thank God!


Someone is trying to solve the pressing problems of the day!!!!!!